Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
You Might Also Like
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
When you’ve simply given up.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!