Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.