@jazz_inmypants

Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂

Prince: no problem. will u marry me

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@Aredubbleyou

I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it’s 7:30 already. You’re gonna be late for work.

@_Mo_lee_

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

@Shenaniglenns

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

@alyssawolff

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

@LizHackett

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

@R0ckG0d88

A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.

@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

@aotakeo

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

@prontopup

“OMG IT’S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I’VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN!!!” – Drivers, apparently.