Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
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When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*