Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Saturday

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Ron is short for Aaronald

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.