Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.