Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless