Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.