Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs