CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods