Cinematography is my passion
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Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.