Cinematography is my passion
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Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
If my kids invented a drink.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.