“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
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man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
You’re never alone. Theres mold
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan