Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.