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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo