Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

I didn’t come here to be called names

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”