Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
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I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
Alexa; make it look like an accident
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”