Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any