Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.