Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

listen closely

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Home is where your toilet is.

😂🐾

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.