Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

iPhone X

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch