city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Missionary, so we can keep arguing