CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Time heals everything 🙂
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.