CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
You Might Also Like
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I identify as an antique shop.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.