Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Good point.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.