CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.