CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall