Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.