Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Worst bar ever.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Good for him.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
