Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
lightly toasted and extra crispy 馃崬
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There鈥檚 more unfortunately
date: I鈥檓 really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn鈥檛 take the kids with him so, I don鈥檛 think he knows how breaks work.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn鈥檛 really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can鈥檛 stay home alone.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 馃檪
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn鈥檛 have to brush my teeth ever again.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food