Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
do what now??
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
