Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i made a craigslist ad !

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

When you’re Kinky but poor

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

No laws when master is gone

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol