CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances