CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Cinema or bowling
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?