Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
did it work
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.