Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead