*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
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Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Welcome
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.