Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.