Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
