Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.