Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”