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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
OKAY DAD
