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Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
a god among men
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]