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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
road rage
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season