Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Cow it started Cow it’s going

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

Siri, fight Alexa.