Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
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What about second breakfast?
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.