Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
This is a sub tweet
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Every time.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I have so many questions.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
i want enemies
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense