Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow