Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.