Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A Short Story.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
sure, why not
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer