Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”