Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Actually cracking up @ this

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

see you in hell you stupid fruit

🥴

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*