It all went downhill when he texted me he’s abscessed with me.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
You Might Also Like
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
~ gas pumps
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me.
That’s the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary