@Playing_Dad

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

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@ErinChack

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

@robotmouthfarts

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

@NrouteHQ

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

@lecalabara

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

@sofarrsogud

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@novicefather

This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me.

That’s the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.

@jonnysun

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

@stuckinaportal

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary