Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
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If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please