Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
pictures of spider-man
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Interior design 👌
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Print is alive and well!!!
Natural selection at its finest