Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

journal

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*