Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
The smoothest fall of all time
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators