Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.