Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.