Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Covid like

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

My background check bounced.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself