Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
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I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.