Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate everything

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Mistakes were made

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

I have taken up painting

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online