Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

reminder

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

be careful

My zodiac sign is pistachio