Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?