Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
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[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome