clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics