clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Its true…
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.