clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Modded the new Gran Turismo
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing