Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
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I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Google reviews are always so mixed..
inside you are two wolves
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*