Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

😭😭😭

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.