Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
what does he know…
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.