clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
when a toddler tells a story
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.