clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Welcome
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?