clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.