clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
You Might Also Like
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Finally!
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine