Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.