Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Pretty much! 😂👀
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
new record!
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl