Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is this a warning or an offer?

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

ㅤ

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.