Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.