Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂