Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

My biological clock is wheezing.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear