Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
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My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.