Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Deer are just ballerina dogs
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
i think we should see other cousins
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.