Classic German Shepherd 😂
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I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.