Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

LOL!

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.